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Image credit: Gen Memory, iphone photograph, 2017
I grew up thinking that “precocious” meant “naughty; bad”, and that the black sheep of the family was the deserved outcast. Nuh-uh! These are objective descriptors, free of colouring - it’s the people who used them who added the unfortunate pejorative inferences.
“Precocious” simply means that a child has reached a milestone early, and “the black sheep of the family” is simply one who holds different views to the rest. I was, and am, very much both these things, but none of the negativity applies. Or at least, it shouldn’t, in a fair and equal world.
But we don’t live in a fair and equal world – we live in a world full of one-sided, difficult people, many of whom crave to dominate and control others. So how to get on? Therein lies the challenge – one I’ve been struggling with for a very, very long time.
I’ve come up with a list of ideas that I would like to share with you. If you don’t have complex-PTSD, this list might be helpful. If you do have complex-PTSD (like I do), then you will probably have to follow a slightly different rule book that accommodates your trauma.
Before we jump into the list, I want to flag that the two main neuropsychological reasons that will likely cause a person to be ‘difficult’ are autism spectrum disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. Both these neuropsychological presentations are over-represented in difficult, controlling, and abusive relationships. Often the very difficult person will have both, due to their underlying neuroatypicality, which predisposes them.
Now to the list!
Difficultness of person – mild/moderate
pretend you didn’t hear what they just said (this one is courtesy of Ruth Bader-Ginsberg)
intentionally don’t respond (just leave the remark or question hanging)
leave the room (make up an excuse if you have to eg. toilet, headache)
use a distraction (redirect the conversation)
say you will have to agree to disagree
respond with something calm rather than with a heated reaction that may exacerbate
limit your interactions with the person
communicate by email instead of in-person, because this gives you time to think
if it’s a medical or allied health practitioner, don’t go back to them
if it’s a work colleague, try to change departments, roles or work hours
let them get their way (eg. agree with them – as long as it doesn’t cost you too much)*
pick your battles (focus on your priorities)
do a deal (one for you and one for me)**
*Note that “letting them get their way” is not the same as “giving in”. Letting them get their way represents you are consciously observing the situation critically, without emotion, and strategically making a decision that will result in a reduction in friction in the relationship, which will benefit you.
**Difficult people are big on reciprocity because they struggle to stand in your shoes and/or to share. Wendy T Behary calls this strategy ‘leverage’.
Difficultness of person – moderate/severe
be polite but as brief as possible (one to three-word answers are best)
play dumb (answer “I don’t know” to questions) and keep your temper under control
don’t give them information about yourself that they could use against you later
don’t endear yourself to them and don’t pander to their ego
make sure you don’t owe them anything
fly under the radar (take up as little space as you can and try not to draw attention)
agree with them wherever possible (don’t resist) as long as it’s safe to do so
let them think they have won
make an exit plan, leave when it’s safe (get your ducks in a row) and never go back. That feeling of temptation is called traumatic bonding – to be safe, you have to break the bond
use the Police and other community services if you have to (that’s what they’re there for) but remember that your goal is to de-escalate the situation, to keep you safe
use a lawyer if you have to (that’s what they’re there for) but remember that your goal is to resolve the problem, not drag it out
gather your trusted community members around you to protect and nurture you
accept that difficult people exist, have always existed, and that often the best way to deal with them is to not deal with them (ie. remove yourself)
Disclaimer
This blog expresses my own personal views. If your mental or physical health are being impacted by a difficult person, I encourage you to seek professional help from relevant service providers and/or do your own research.
That being said, when I was in crisis, I didn’t know who the relevant service providers were, because I had been in the dark like a mushroom for almost 50 years. For that reason, I have provided a sample list below for Qld residents (please note – in the context of the list, ‘violence’ means harm to others of any kind).
The Qld Police (all forms of violence, including community violence)
Lifeline (free counselling)
Beyond Blue (free counselling)
Bravehearts (the national child abuse initiative)
Blue Knot (the national trauma initiative)
Women’s Health Equality Qld (free counselling and personal development courses)
Brisbane Domestic Violence Service (intimate partner violence only)
Peggy’s Place (free medium-term post-crisis accommodation for women and children)
Communify (free food and support)
Micah Projects (free food and shelter)
3rd Space (free food, shelter, medical services and legal advice)
Legal Aid (free legal advice)
Women’s Legal Aid (free legal advice for women)
Trauma-informed social workers (in preference to psychologists)
Books and blogs that I have found useful in my journey towards safety
Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman
The 48 Laws of Power, Robert Greene
Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed, Wendy T Behary, 2nd edition
Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnoses of Gifted Children and Adults: ADHD, Bipolar, OCD, Asperger’s, Depression, and Other Disorders, 2nd edition, James T Webb et al
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (fifth edition is the latest)
Medium – blogs by real people in everyday language, www.medium.com
Gen Memory
December 2024
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